Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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