She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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