totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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