at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
