There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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