peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
