i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
