I'm gonna have a badass scar
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
