we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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