The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
