just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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