you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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