my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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