my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
