you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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