The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
