He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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