The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
