No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
