i think my tv is drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
