wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
