I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
