Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize