she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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