my phone needs a breathalizer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
