I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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