Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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