Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
