Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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