He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
