Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
