I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
