I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
