Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You have to summon your inner elephant
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
