thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize