The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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