Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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