dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
