You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
