Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
