when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
