I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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