i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
