You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
