I think I won the penis lottery.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
