There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
