yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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