if you like me you must not know who I am
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
