Ketchup is God's man juice
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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