Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
