why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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