im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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