meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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