Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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