We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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