i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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