Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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