I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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