we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
