I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
